SJD Interview, Part One.

For my project, I interview "John" and his brother "George" (names changed out of respect for their privacy) surrounding the issue of homosexuality and coming. "John" is a gay 20 year old currently attending school for a Music History degree. "John" asked to be interviewed separately from his brother and he speaks about coming out and how he feels as a gay man in our society.

When and how did you come out to your family?

Well, I told my sister in the summer of 2007. We had been texting messaging and I had just decided that it was time for her to know, so I told her that I had to tell her something. Right away she text back saying she already knew, after all we had the mutual friends whom I had already told, and that it wasn’t a big deal. With my brother, it was December 1st, 2007, and I remember precisely because it was the first full symphony I had played with Chicago Symphony Orchestra, and we all did a terrific job and it was the best night of my career. We were at the reception and I thought you know what I feel very good right now and I think it’s time to tell him so I text message him. The next test message I received, I was in my colleague’s car, and my sister sent me a text message saying that probably wasn’t the best way to tell him. So right then and there, I knew what must have happened was that my brother must have called her or whatever and said hey did you hear about ”John” or did he tell you, or something like that and then she would have then found out that I told him and got back to me saying that wasn’t the best way to tell him. Logically that is the only thing I could think to explain what happened. So I came home and my sister was watching TV and there was dead silence. I mean, we didn’t talk at all that night. Eventually, my brother came home drunk and just flopped down in his bed and went to sleep, didn’t say anything at all to me. And then the next day, I was on the computer and he came in the room and said he loved me. So I don’t really know exactly what to make of that whole exchange. I wish he would have said something of a little bit more substance to me. I’m sure that if he was sober that something might have been different but he was already drunk so I don’t know exactly how he reacted to the news and frankly, I don’t care. I’m just curious to why that was the reception I got.

Did you find it difficult to tell them?

Well the actual process of it was fairly easy. I think the anticipation and the “gearing” up for it was the hardest part and every passing day it got more difficult because of the period of time just got longer and longer and so yeah, deciding if whether or not it was even worth it was a struggle for me. I figured why the hell not, it doesn’t matter, it’s just something else about me so just do it.

Is there a reason you told other people outside of your family first?

I don’t live with those people, I don’t sleep by those people every night. I don’t go home and see those other people every night so what they had to say about me didn’t really have as much impact as my family did. So I think I was just bracing myself for my family which actually turned out quite well.
Were you ever worried that it wasn’t going to turn out well?
Uhm, I couldn’t imagine it wasn’t going to turn out well but…I think I was a little bit. I don’t think it was really strong but I think it was just a little thing in the back of my head.
Have you ever had a difficult with the religious concept?
Yes. There were some friends of mine that really were really harsh and really cruel to me. They were Bible-thumping right wingers that were really upsetting in their reception of my news. I just figured well they are friends, I don’t think its harmful telling them but yeah I got my earful of Bible-thumping Christian rhetoric from them. It wasn’t pleasant. But as time has passed, ‘eff it is my philosophy towards that. Our world is full of so much pain and tragedy and we have to find a way to get along even if other people don’t like us.

Are you religious in any way?

I am a believer in powers that are much greater than us. I haven’t exactly figured out what the deism, I guess, is that I believe in but I do believe in powers that our greater than us. The one thing I can’t do is inherently condemn all others that don’t believe in what I believe which is what some religions, Christianity in particular, do. If you don’t believe in Jesus, you will go to hell. I think that’s hypocritical as far as I’m concerned that it is a religion that claims to be so caring and so loving towards the followers and then craps upon others who aren’t of that same mindset, that is something I can’t do. I think in time I could come up with my own religion, as half baked or crackpot as it may be, would not be something that look down on people as being inferior or as being wrong.

How do you deal with religion?

I haven’t gone to church in like years. I mean, well the last time I was in church was last Easter for a performance and the time prior to that was the chapel where we had my dad’s wake at but in terms of actually going to services I haven’t gone since grade school. My dad hadn’t gone to church in many years prior to his passing. He was a believer too but he rather stay home and watch football. My mom started going to church again, she became born-again when my dad time.

How do you deal with the whole “homosexuality is wrong” mentality?

I don’t get a lot of that. It’s a very liberal environment here. Now I’m 90 percent sure I’m transferring to Edwardsville, Illinois which is kinda conservative from the sense I got of it. They are kinda bible based but that’s okay. It doesn’t really matter to me. I think I don’t get a lot of negative vibe because I don’t ask for it. I don’t go around asking hey what do you think about this because that would be setting myself up for disaster. You just have to be able to adapt to the environment you are in.

So you’re not worried at all about moving to a more conservative area?

Well, no. That’s all I can say about that no. I’m just going to go down there and just live and be me. It’s their responsibility to let me live and let me be me. I love this, it’s very comfortable, I mean, it’s me. I’m happy being what I am.