Social documentation project

I interviewed my friend who had just recently come out. i wanted to know about the feelings he had before he did and his feelings afterward. His name is Matt Wohn. This is the interview which took play on AIM.

Session Start (amkingdom19:matt): Fri April 24 02:02:45 2009
[02:02] matt: there we go
[02:03] amkingdom19: kk ready to start?
[02:03] matt: der
[02:04] amkingdom19: When did you first notice you were different from everyone else?
[02:05] matt: Well basically since i was little i always knew i was diffrent from everyone else, as early as the third grade, even before
[02:06] amkingdom19: What did you notice that was different about yourself?
[02:07] matt: that everyone around me was intersted to the opposite sex, while i try to do the same, but i really wasnt attracted to them
[02:08] amkingdom19: What feelings did this create in your self?
[02:09] matt: well i for one felt isolated from everyone else, there was always a big fear in me that someone else would notice my big secret
[02:10] matt: i lived in fear that one day people would figure out and judged me
[02:10] matt: every action was curbed lest i look too gay,
[02:10] matt: everything i did was always checked twice before i didi ti
[02:10] amkingdom19: Would you say then that you had feelings of isolation and paranoia?
[02:15] matt: yes and yes
[02:16] amkingdom19: Where there any specific times that these feelings spiked and hit a high or slightly went down?
[02:17] matt: yes i would have to say during 7 th 8th and freshman year
[02:17] matt: especially after my uncle died
[02:18] amkingdom19: Did your friends ever make these feelings worse with actions or comments?
[02:19] matt: of course, they made homophobic jokes all the time, picked on the gays, talked shit, pointing finger, the list goes on and on
[02:19] matt: but what they didnt know was that their riend was gay
[02:22] amkingdom19: Did these feelings affect your actions in more ways then you just making sure your actions didn't seem "Too gay"?
[02:23] matt: yes they hurt me, made me question my sexuality, tried to form dates and relationships with girls
[02:23] amkingdom19: Did this ever lead to bouts of depression?
[02:25] matt: yes especially during my "teenage" years
[02:25] matt: it just made me more depressed
[02:26] amkingdom19: How did you deal with this depression and did it cause thoughts of suicide? when did this specifically happen
[02:27] matt: i didnt i just got out of it... life went on
[02:27] matt: i would have to say it happened the most during freshman year
[02:28] matt: that i had thoughts of suicide
[02:28] amkingdom19: Did any specific actions or moments help to relieve these feelings or did they slowly calm down a bit?
[02:29] matt: the last thing, it just slowed down bit by bit
[02:32] amkingdom19: When you moved to a new enviroment (california from chicago) did this help with the paranoia and feelings of isolation?
[02:34] matt: actually yes
[02:34] matt: it made me feel like i can start again aknew
[02:34] matt: and i feel like people were more open to it
[02:35] amkingdom19: by open did you mean a more accepting culture and political views so to speak?
[02:37] matt: mmhm
[02:39] amkingdom19: Now when you finally came out what were your feelings?
[02:41] matt: a feeling like some burden has been lifted from me, a joyous feeling know that who i am is not wrong but beautiful, something i shouldn't be afraid of, and finally letting out all of that pent up emotion release from me
[02:43] amkingdom19: what were the details of coming out? Did you go and tell many people or was it more silent change?
[02:46] matt: no, i told my friends at college, then my family and then my immediate family... Now im no longer afraid to say im gay or to be associated with that crowd
[02:48] amkingdom19: Do you still feel residual paranoia from your experiences as a child that some is out to get you or will hurt you?
[02:49] matt: yes an inkling but that fear is long removed an out of place, i know the way to combat my fear is to face it
[02:51] amkingdom19: my point is though you will most likely still have feelings for the remainder of your life of some slight alienation and paranoia based from the fear from when you were a child
[02:51] matt: for the rest of my life? hardly, i dont feel that way anymore
[02:52] amkingdom19: maybe not feelings but some of the actions like you are more cautious then the average person
[02:54] matt: i know not to be so openly gay to offend people but i wont by bother by my sexuality anymore
[02:59] amkingdom19: you are a religious person correct?
[02:59] matt: yes
[03:00] amkingdom19: what do you believe in?
[03:01] matt: i believe in all that is good, and i am affiliated with roman catholic
[03:02] amkingdom19: what are your thoughts and feelings knowing that your sexuality and life style is condemmed by the very thing you believe in?
[03:03] matt: it hurts, but yet i still believe, it was one of the rare teachings that i took with me out of catholic school, believing even through the worst hardships, that defines my faith
[03:06] amkingdom19: when your friends make gay jokes now do you feel offended?
[03:07] matt: depends on the context and who says them, alex for u i make an exception