Oral History

I interviewed my wife, Kerry who found out as a child that she was adopted. Her adoptive parents then got divorced, and both remarried. These events have put her in a situation where she now has three sets of parents.

How old were you when you found out that you were adopted, and how did you find out?

I was five years old and I was in the bathtub with my mom. I asked her why her feet didn’t look like mine. She said, “even though you were meant to be my baby, I didn’t carry you in my tummy."

What was your reaction? Did you feel betrayed, or not?

No, I didn’t feel betrayed. I was just a little confused. For some reason, I was ok with it because I trusted her. I was much too young to wonder about who carried me, so I really didn’t ask any other questions for awhile.

At what point did you seek out to meet your biological parents? Do you have any other siblings?

I tried to find them when I was eighteen but my mother wouldn’t sign off on it. Therefore, I had to wait until I was twenty one. When I finally did meet them, I found out that my biological parents got back together, married each other, and had four more children. The sad thing is that they changed their mind about the adoption just hours after they signed off on it, causing them to spend years of regret that they let me go. To this day, it still eats them up inside and occasionally they will bring it up. When they do, it is very uncomfortable for me because I am happy with who raised me. However, I can still feel their pain.


Why did she refuse to sign the approval?

She felt threatened that I would discover this new relationship and leave her behind, so to speak. I think she thought the curiosity of me not knowing who they were would steer me away.


Did you find out why your biological parents gave you up, and do you think it was justified?

Larry’s (biological father) mother threatened Roxanne (biological mother) by telling her she would not be able to have any contact with Larry unless she took care of the situation. She was very young and scared and thought that this was the best option for me. Considering the situation, I do too.

How old were you when your adoptive parents separated, and did you feel like you might have been responsible for the separation?

I was five when they split up and, yes, I felt responsible. As crazy as it seems, I thought they split up because I used to ask to sleep with them every night in their bed.

Did these kinds of separations affect your relationships as far as boyfriends are concerned? Did you have a fear of commitment?

I had a hard time being in relationships where I didn’t have a lot of control. However, when my mother remarried, it was such a healthy marriage. That is the relationship that I remember the most. I feel that this kind of saved my own relationships from being affected.

How hard is it to grow up with three sets of parents? Do they all reach out to you, and which ones are the closest to you now?

It is very difficult. I constantly feel torn in different directions and they always make me feel like I am not spending enough time with them. My adoptive mother, by far, is the closest to me.

Do you worry about hurting anyone’s feelings when you are visiting the others? If so, which ones?

I always felt bad when I visited my biological parents because I felt like I was betraying my mother, or cheating on her. I still do, even when I visit them now. Even though she knows that I do see them, I don't ever mention it to her.

Do you think these situations have altered your outlook on marriage, divorce, adoption, or abortion? If so, how has it?

I’m a little more anti-abortion now because I feel like my birth mother could have easily gone that route. I think adoption is a wonderful thing. I feel that nature versus nurture is definitely 50/50. I can see some similarities with my birth family, but much more with the family that raised me. As far as marriage is concerned, I feel that couples should do everything they can to try to make it work out. However, my father cheated on my mother, and in the long run, my mother ended up with a much better person when she remarried. I don't feel that couples should stay together just for the sake of staying together if they're not in love.

Does being adopted make you feel like an outcast?

No. It used to bother me when I was younger because kids were mean and teased me. I grew up in such a small town and they used to comment that I didn’t look like my mother at all. To try to cover it up, I told them that I looked like my father, knowing that they would never meet him. They would never meet him because he was gone by the time I started school. But now that I am much older, I kind of favor it. With so many unhappy families out there that feel like they are stuck with what they have, it’s a wonderful feeling to know that I was wanted and that people went out of their way to take me in and love me.