Oral History

I am sharing a letter written to me by a dear friend of mine who came out as a gay man in his later 20's after being in a heterosexual relationship for a good portion of his adult life. I met him while working my first job after college (12 years ago) and we have remained close friends. This letters talks about his life, his reaction to Proposition 8 (California), the ballot initiative that recognizes marriage only between one man and one woman, him finding true love and of his family's unconditional love and support.

I had the pleasure of sharing in part of his adventure abroad in 2001 and the pleasure of being his friend. Initials have been used in place of names.

Dear family and friends,

This week, the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, the 2008 ballot initiative that recognizes marriage only between one man and one woman in the state of California. Although this decision denies same-sex couples the right to marry, same-sex marriages legally performed between June and November 2008 will continue to be recognized. There is no doubt this news will reach each of you as this decision has been watched closely in California, around the nation and the globe. This decision has a significant impact on me.

I moved to California in February of 2002 shortly after adventures abroad—you might recall, in 2001, I quit my job, sold my condo, moved my stuff into storage and left the states to find myself. It was a pivotal moment in my life, a spiritual journey for which I am so grateful.

Upon returning to the states, I landed in Los Angeles, where I thought I would make my home. On my first day in L.A., I ran into a good friend who I had met on Mykonos on September 11, 2001. I had not collected his contact information while in Greece: this chance encounter in Los Angeles in February 2002 was serendipity at its best, until last September. It was also a sign I was where I am going.

There is too much to share with you about what I have experienced from that February day in Los Angeles to today in San Francisco—you should rest knowing the stories are colorful and full of adventure, of lessons learned and life experienced fully. They are also treasured, and involved moments of joy with close friends. They have been with my family—who continue to make themselves available with visits to California to share in my life. I am lucky in love in this regard.

There is one remarkable story I want to share in some detail: How I met C.

It was love at first sight—and I am not kidding.

The morning we met I was having coffee with a good friend. She and I were commiserating our singles lifestyle; empathizing with each other our loneliness; encouraging one another to be hopeful about the future. We broached the subject of building a non-traditional family, speaking about whether or not separately we wanted to become single parents. I pondered, if I were to be a father should I adopt or should I have a baby with a friend? She weighed the pros and cons of calling on a gay friends to be a sperm donor. I left the coffee shop feeling lonely and frustrated. I wondered if I had made the right choice with respect to living in California. I asked myself, should I return to Chicago where there is a comfortable, built-in support system to help me weather the emotional storms? Was I pursuing my life’s work as a fundraiser for the performing arts or should I become a teacher? How would I support a child? Should I grocery shop or order take out that night? I did what anyone questioning himself might do; I went shopping.

It was after fruitful visits to Banana Republic and Zara—and an acknowledgement I had all the goods I needed—that I derailed a jaunt to the Saks Fifth Avenue men’s store for a walk instead to MUNI and a bus ride home (MUNI is the public transportation service in San Francisco). Fortunately, before reaching the bus, I passed by the Macy’s men’s store, where, upon breezing by a handsome man, inertia took hold. I stopped, turned around and recognized in C’s eyes a familiarity known deep within my soul but unknown to me until that moment. Skittishly, we both moved along from that familiar glance only to look back once more, stop again, turn around, and walk toward one another to meet. We traded phone numbers after a short amount of time exchanging pleasantries. When I moved from him to continue my walk to MUNI, I looked up to Him and, quietly, said aloud “thank you.” C and I had our first date the next week and have been together since.

They—those smart people who tell my mother what color is being shown in a given fashion season—told me I would know it when it him me. I am a Virgo: some amount of over analysis and questioning ensued; however, quickly, I deduced, C is it. He is sweet and kind. He is loving and caring. He makes me laugh. I am not nervous about tomorrow with him; rather, with him I look forward to what tomorrow will bring. I am the happiest and most settled I have been in my lifetime, ever. I want to marry this man. However, unfortunately, representing the people and the good state of California, the California Supreme Court has told me I cannot.

My sister has been known to predict important events in the lives of our family and in the lives of some family friends—it has been said she has a connection with the spirit world which leads her to certain conclusions (perhaps more on this in another letter). For a few years now, J has believed I will be settled in my relationship when I reach the age of 42, in 2012. Good timing, I guess, as her son, N, will be at the perfect age to be ring bearer.

My dad called me on the evening the decision was announced after also sending me a text message. We had a nice chat. We said, “I love you” as we always do when we chat. His text and his call were to tell me, “Your gov. (Schwarzenegger) On leno tonight said another proposition will overturn today’s decisions.” I hope this is true. My parents are champions of equal rights for the LGBT community and share with me my joy and my suffering as a gay man. I am so very proud they are proud. I am so very lucky they are my parents.

The Gubernator is probably correct; there will be another ballot initiative. They say as early as 2010. We will overturn this decision. We will re-write inclusion into the state’s constitution and make void the amendment that bans same-sex marriage and strips good and loving people of a basic civil right.

This is what is new with me: I am in love, and I am forever hopeful the right thing will be done.